How many chances does it take to get to the end of a relationship
I am going to be discussing mediocre/useless men that women end up settling, and making excuses for staying with during their relationship. If you aren’t saddled with one of these men, then I am not discussing you during this post.
The course of many romantic relationships is like a trip to mount everest. Women act in the role of the Sherpa, and men are the entitled twats who pay their way to the top of the mountain and take all the credit. Men are comfortable to coast by on their entitled social training that if they don’t actually have to do the heavy lifting in the domestic sphere. Whereas women seem to accept that men are limited functioning creatures that deserve accolades and cookies for performing the most basic household task, or domestic planning.
Women have gotten to a point where they are comfortable demanding respect from every man outside of their romantic partnership. Many women seem to be stuck in this wheel of chances that makes them feel miserable, tired, and unloved. They are constantly meeting the needs of everyone in the family unit, and getting zero back in return. Hoping for some miracle where their partner will wake up one day and shoulder the burden unprompted.
There have been studies done that show women are happier single, and men are happier married. This does not surprise me one iota. Men go from the womb of the family home, to the purgatory of bachelorhood where they somehow manage to survive unassisted by women (/sarcasm). Eventually some of these men find themselves in the womb of a domestic partnership where they are once again taken care of. They go to work, and come home where they hope to relax in their man cave until their harpy of a wife comes along to nag them into domestic action.
No matter what, since the dawn of time, women have been painted as the killjoy in the life of men. They’re either not fucking him, or they’re nagging him into (ugh) doing domestic work. Wives, and domestic partners are constantly shown as a necessary evil, rather than a wanted partnership in both history texts, and current pop culture. The woman’s only function in married life is shown to be a frigid harpy that pushes out kids, maintains and caters to their man’s needs. Whereas women are always shown as NEEDING men. Historically, if women did not get married they were ostracized from society. They were seen as broken and defunct. Even today, women are still questioned, and shamed if they are single into their late adulthood. Pop culture still makes it seem like women are aimless and unfulfilled if they are single and childless.
Now, don’t get it twisted, I KNOW that these are very broad strokes I am brushing with. The majority of men are not intentionally this tedious. They do not set out to be useless in relationships. It again comes down to the social conditioning of growing up and seeing women handle everything and thinking it’s okay; because women are born to be domestic (*eyeroll*). I am honestly not even quite sure WHY men are this tedious, or where their self entitlement comes from.
I am, however, tired of seeing women I love saddled with these tedious men, and how miserable it makes them. I am tired of seeing this cycle play out, and watching women make excuses to convince themselves to stay even though they are miserable.
What is this cycle? Glad you asked. It has 4 stages and I like to call it the “Cycle of Second… third.. fourth…fifth..sixth..etc chances”
1. The Nagging Incident
This starts when the woman reaches out for help, because the guy cannot see what needs to be done apparently. So she asks the guy to clean the living room, do the dishes, or some other everyday household task to make her life easier. Or she asks him to help with the kids. He says “sure” , but then never actually does it. These requests for help are ignored. This causes a bubbling stew of frustration and anger to brew in the woman.
2. I’ve had enough
This is when the woman has had enough, and tells him this. All sorts of accusations and annoyances come to the surface. Questioning his commitment to the relationship, his love for you, his loyalty etc. The fight could be big or small, but the outcome is that there needs to be change. The woman stating she cannot keep doing this on her own, that they are supposed to be in a partnership. Realizing that he’s fucked up, and that shit could get ugly he agrees that there will be change. That he will step up – he promises.
3. Peace Treaty
During this step the couple spends the time hashing out out plans on how to change things. What needs to be done so that the relationship is respected and balanced. He may cite a mental health issues, a learning disability, or any other personal flaw as to why he is struggling to carry his weight. This will make the woman feel like she needs to be more understanding of him, and cut him some more slack. He’s TRYING. The end of the conversation leaves the woman thinking that this time, things will change. That he heard her, loves her, and wants things to be better.
4. Return to the Honeymoon
Whatever the motivation, the man wants the woman to “stop nagging”, and to keep her from leaving. He knows he’s in the dog house, and he wants to get back to good. Maybe he honestly wants to help, and is legit committed to the adhering to the plan and pulling up his socks. After a few weeks, or a month or so he feels secure again. He’s shown his partner that he respects and loves her by doing what she asked, and maybe even going above and beyond. She feels like he heard her, and it’s almost like they are back to a honeymoon period from the beginning of their relationship. It lulls her into feeling like he’s changed, and she stops being so angry and frustrated. Then… he feels that he’s been released from the dog house, so he goes back to previous behaviours either consciously or not.
Then the tension starts to build anew. The woman sees it happening, tries to make excuses for it. He’s a good guy, a good provider, he’s nice etc. Then the next incident happens, and the cycle continues. Enough times going through the cycle and the honeymoon period is less honeymooney and more wary. The woman knows what’s going to happen next, and the excuses for why it’s okay become bigger. The resentment never really subsides; but the investment into the relationship often stays solid.
I am so fucking tired of seeing these amazing women being stuck in a relationship with a lackluster partner. Feeling for whatever reason that the passage of time is an investment that means you must stay, that somehow leaving would reflect negatively on them. That being miserable and disrespected in a partnership is somehow better than being single. I know it’s way more complicated than this. There are often emotions, kids, mortgages and other financial responsibilities to tether you to that person. But seriously. If you spend more time miserable than happy what the fuck is the point.
It’s time for women to stop being the Sherpa. Men either need to learn to climb the mountain unassisted, or with the woman by their side as their equal. I do not care if you are a stay at home mom, or someone who works – no woman should be someones domestic servant and live in therapist. They deserve more than to live in a miserable cycle of chances.