When you’ve lived your life dealing with mental illness you learn to accept certain things as just the way life is. For me, it’s been things like avoiding large events, avoiding crowded spaces, and avoiding social interactions with strangers. The one thing that I work on with my psychiatrist is understanding and enforcing with myself that I am not that woman anymore.

I constantly have to remind myself that I am no longer existing in my mental illness, and doing my best to cope in the darkness. Rather, I am now a person who has a mental illness and is doing their best to manage it and live a life where it is not in the driver seat. This past weekend was me giving my mental illness the middle finger and doing everything I previously avoided – events, crowded spaces, and interacting with strangers successfully.

I had so many joy bubble experiences this weekend and I want to talk about them, and this is my blog so I’m going to do that.. Warning, this is just me typing a ramble and I am not editing this shit. 

On Friday I started my weekend with one of my dearest friends visiting their new apartment in Toronto. I am so chuffed for her and her soon to be married life adventure in a new city. It was so awesome to see the bones of the apartment before she works her magic and makes what i know will be an awesome transformation. It is such a lovely apartment, and so perfectly her.

I then went to visit another friend for night and got to celebrate another new life, that of her wonderfully happy baby Amelia (Milly). I know babies don’t come from cabbage patches, or storks it never fails to amaze me to see what two people can create. The personality, the similarities with the parents, and so much potential to become an amazing human being… all in a tiny little body that someone grew inside of them. Knowing her parents and how fiercely she is loved I know she is going to grow up to be a badass lady who takes no shit.

Her mum, is someone I have known for over a decade but only became friends recently. I feel like she is, to steal a phrase from Ms. Shirley, a bosom buddy. She understands me in a way most don’t. Spending time with her always makes me feel challenged and inspired. She is a beautiful soul that has so much love for life and living her best life. Her husband fits her so perfectly, I love watching them together.

Saturday I met up with the Adore Delano, to my Bianca DelRio and we started our kickass Toronto adventure. Her and I spent Saturday and Sunday exploring all the places, and seeing all the doggos (and petting a few of them). It was a wonderful walking adventure and there was a lot of great conversation.

The main event, and the point of this long weekend in Toronto was going to a Kesha concert. This is where the opening of this ramble comes into play. I have not been to a concert in over a decade, and the last time I went I am pretty sure I ruined all the things for the person i went with. So I was a bit hesitant about going to this concert, and if I could handle a concert. It was total immersion in things that terrify me – crowds, large events, and interacting with strangers.

However, I desperately wanted to go. Kesha’s new album resonated with me in a way no album has since Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness in high school. She speaks to, and gives words for a lot of shit I have been through in my life. So I made that important decision to just do it. Being able to go with my friend made it an easier decision since she gets my struggles and I knew she would not judge me for any fallout that may happen if I couldn’t handle myself.

As it turned out, there was zero worries on whether or not I could handle a concert. I totes handled that concert like a motherfucking boss. I had an absolute blast. There was so much love and joy in that building. Hearing Kesha sing live the songs that mean so much to me gave them so much more power. You could also tell just how much of a celebration this tour is for her.

Also, I have never had the opportunity to be around gay people who felt comfortable being 100% themselves without fear of homophobic fucktards. So seeing all those beautiful couples and men/ladies enjoying themselves openly and happily was just so fucking awesome.

One group of gay fellas in particular was the cherry on the sundae that was the concert. They were the gay Statler and Waldorf, and their commentary was brilliant and hilarious – and I interacted with them without feeling like a loser.

After the concert my friend and I went on a long walk along the waterfront in Toronto because we were both still high on the concert. I got to see the Toronto skyline all lit up and beautiful, and experience another area of Toronto I had not been to.

So overall, I count this weekend as a win for me in my handling of my mental illness.

I had such a wonderful time, and I am so fucking grateful for having such lovely and wonderful friends. If you had told 10yr old me that I would have brilliant, and inspiring friends who loved me as much as I love them i would never have believed you. Alas, here I am. I may be poor in most areas of my life, but love and friendship is not one of them.

So thank you to all the people (and animals) that made my weekend so amazing and fun. I will cherish these memories, and celebrate this victory over my own personal struggles.